Why Crystal Doesn't Cook or F2 Does Not Mean What You Think It Does

*originally posted elsewhere on 12/16/09


So, my husband's multi-million dollar place of employment gave them a whole turkey for their Christmas bonus. Yes, a whole turkey. (Nope, no sarcasm here at all...) 

I have cooked turkeys. As a matter of fact, I usually make at least one per month because, well, they go far and I have a lot of people to feed. (Between the two of us, we have six kids - two being teenage boys). 

Generally, I take out the top oven rack and put the bird on the bottom rack. However, as they were so generous as to give him a turkey that, well, is not much more than a chicken on steroids, I decided that I didn't need to do that. It fit nicely on the top rack with room to spare. 

Or so I thought. 

My fourteen month old and I were sitting on the couch, reading Open the Barnyard Door for the three hundred and thirty fifth time today when I heard a beeping from the kitchen. It wasn't the smoke alarm. I had preheated the oven so I knew it wasn't that particular beep. And I had not set the timer for the turkey - and even if I had, it had only been in there for 40 minutes or so. (Granted, it won't take long to cook. Did I mention it was a small turkey? ) 

I went to the oven to see a "code" flashing on the oven. 

"F-2" There was smoke/steam coming out of the back burner - but that happens a lot when I use the oven. (I really don't think it's supposed to...but then again...) 

Of course, MY first reaction is to wonder if there is a manual in one of the drawers. Instead of, you know, OPENING the oven to see what the problem was. I did have enough presence of mind to shut the oven off, at least. 

That stopped the beeping for about a minute. Then it started again. I shut it off again and opened the oven to find that my turkey had apparently caught fire. The top layer of skin, well, let's just say I may serve some beans and rice and call it cajun. 

I took the top rack out. I put the turkey back in. An hour later, we are alarm free. I'll be sure to ask my husband and the other kids how it tasted. One of my kids has dance tonight, so I'll be eating out. 

*not my actual turkey

Update as of 11/22/11 - I'm beginning to think my husband's newfound "allergy" to poultry may be self-induced.