Thursday, May 3, 2012

Reflective Sloth

Several years ago, I wrote a private journal entry titled, "Bricks" It was all metaphor-y regarding the bricks that kept falling on my head. Every time I'd try to pick myself up and I would just reach the top of the hole I was in, something else would happen and I would lose footing and more bricks than before would pile on top of me.  I have since burned all of those journals because they were not from a time that I ever care to revisit, but they were perfect therapy at the time.

For reasons I can't will not go into detail with, it was the ONLY outlet I had. I couldn't post, even on my "private" message boards because, well, everything I said or did was being watched.  Eventually, I was able to gain some control over that situation and began blogging on that one social networking site that has all the blinky stuff.  It's not that I didn't have in-person friends to talk to.  It's just that I was in such bad shape, I didn't want to. Unfortunately, that drove many of them away.

As time passed, I learned to use my filter (believe it or not, I used to be worse ;-) ).  I am very careful what I say regarding certain parts of  my life on Facebook - out of respect for my children and others that I care about - and well, I don't really want everyone to know every thing that goes through my mind. ;-)  And quite frankly, I know most people really don't care. (I know this because of the amount of people I have hidden or restricted on Facebook. hee hee.)

But sometimes, you just have to vent. You have to scream.  You need to get it out.  I'm glad that I have several places I can do that safely.  I actually had to block a person that I really do like on one of those safe places because she didn't follow my "it stays here" rule.  

(This post is not taking the direction I had intended. I guess I'll have to draft a second one.)

I'm having another one of those "brick" kind of time periods.  It's nothing like the one when I wrote that journal entry.  I have the perspective to know that it will get better. But I also have the experience to know that EVERY time I allow myself to be happy or think, "Hey, things are going pretty well" the bottom falls out and the bricks start falling, so I try not to think that.

The good thing is that this time I have friends, both in person and the ones I can only talk to online (thank GOD for the Internet.  Seriously) , that can make me laugh, make me forget about being stressed out, and will catch a brick or two for me every now and then, even if they don't realize they are doing it.

Anyway, those of you who do that - and if you're reading this, you're likely one of them - thank you for that. Really. Thank you.



18 comments:

  1. There is that weird sense that whenever you allow yourself the luxury of breathing easy and enjoying the moment. . . life cuts you off at the knees and you're left lying in a pool of your own blood keening and wailing. Possibly I'm overdramatizing.

    It is also oversimplifying to say simply, "Cut off the peaks, and fill in the valleys and what you're left with should be a relatively happy plane." That's what my wife and I try to do, specifically with our littlest one. We try not to get too happy over the triumphs and try not to read too much into the defeats. But it's easier said than done.

    Here's hoping that the bricks fall a little less frequently, from lower elevation, and are made of a lighter, less injurious material of construction!

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    1. Thank for the perspective, Jim. But I do favor the overdramatizing. ;-)

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  2. I'm going thru one of those periods myself. While the circumstances may be different, the feeling is the same. Sending hugs and a sledgehammer. Stupid f'ing bricks.

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    1. Returning the hugs...and I've just been given a virtual catcher's mitt. I'll be right over.

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  4. On the way to dance last night, Deric had asked me about a post on FB where you and I were talking. It was a funny exchange between you and I. I then proceeded the conversation with saying that I really do enjoy talking to you. Then out of the back of the van, Lex said, "Are you talking about Crystal, Sydney's mom?" and I say yes. Then she says, "Oh I love her." So you are someone who that my whole family loves spending time with. So ya, I would be happy to slay a few bricks for you.

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    1. Aw, thanks, Kelli. That really does mean a lot. Even when Deric (or the other parents) just play with Fia - sometimes it's the only break I get all week and that is so much appreciated. I really do look forward to dance so I can talk to real live grown ups. ;) (One more week! :-) )

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  5. Oh, honey. Hang in there. I'll catch a brick or seven for ya. If it makes you feel any better - I'm a little bit in the same boat at the moment. You are not alone. Things will get better, they always do. And also, it's your turn in DS. ;)

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    1. lol Thanks, hon. And yeah, yeah, I know. I'm such a slacker lately. ;-)

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  6. On the bright side, your head is so hard the bricks won't be able to hurt you ;). j/k--you know I love you :). I know I'm not close enough to you to catch bricks, but I'd be happy to throw my bacon in there to keep you going until you get out (see how much I love you? I don't give up bacon for just anyone ;)

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  7. I don't know the specifics and I'm not going to pry but I hope this is something that passes quickly. I'm happy you've found some comfort in the friends you've made online and I'm honored to be on that list. It just goes to show that people don't have to actually live in your community to be your friend.

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    1. I don't want to bore anyone with details - it's just a bunch of little stuff (and one relatively big stuff) ;-) - I'm just so glad that I have people (like you) to distract me and make me laugh. Some people take it for granted, but after not being able to use those outlets (as referenced at the beginning of the post) I know how valuable they are.

      Thanks again.

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  8. Sometimes all those little things sure add up and feel super heavy! Just knock those things out, one at a time, and things will be better very soon. :)

    Hey, I ate bacon today and thought of you! ;)

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  9. Send me your bricks and I'll form them into a poem for your enjoyment. ;) No need for details, but I totally get what you are saying about not letting oneself get too happy because it really sucks getting dumped upon again. On the flip side, I worry that it causes one to not enjoy enough. What a conundrum. Yep, and now I'm worried that you know I probably didn't spell that right...I mean correctly. Is my punctuation correct? Jeez.....well, here's me sharing an imaginatory (definitely NOT a word but I like how it sounds!) bottle of bacon vodka with you in the hopes that you cracked a smile during my silliness.

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  10. Well u can hang with me :-) although I tend to have bricks falling all the time and our kids argue lol! I'm sure we can manage!

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  11. Well u can hang with me :-) although I tend to have bricks falling all the time and our kids argue lol! I'm sure we can manage!

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  12. Hugs to you. I hope I can catch a brick or ten for you. Or maybe be your alibi, which ever you need more!

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